Monday, August 01, 2005

Fashion Fun #1

Fashion. That narcissistic sin of which we are all guilty of indulging. Not me though, I'm unique. I shop at thrift stores and sometimes I make my own clothes. But I'm really not influenced by my surrounding culture when I decide what to buy. Here are a few products for the rest of us. I do recommend making them for yourselves out of far cheaper materials if at all possible.

left: Adidas Skywalkers
Price: way too fucking expensive at $119.00. don't buy from Adidas.
Can I make them myself? Probably not. Unless your father is a shoemaker. Or if you are a shoemaker.
What's the point? Your feet will love glowing yellow as only a highlighter can. They were
supposedly designed with Luke Skywalker's home planet Tatooine in mind. Try explaining that to people.

middle: Subsurface Eye Monster T-Shirt from Hivestyle e-bay store
Price: At £9.99, it's a little bit British, a little bit cheap, and a whole lot of eyeballs.
Can I make it myself? It depends on whether you have screenprinting skills.
What's the point? Its a nice design, plus the Hivestyle store offers up multiple independent artists
all under the same roof.

right: Plaid Mens/Womens T-shirt from Anzevino & Florence
Price: You wont see any lumberjacks wearing these $36.00 beasts.
Can I make it myself? Yes. Get some thin flannel from a thrift store and make a t-shirt. It may be a
bit scratchier on the skin than this one, which is probably a silkscreened design.
Whats the point? Clever idea, bad price...this is the only good design these guys have on their site.

Hope you enjoy. I can't actually afford any of these, but if I could I'd probably buy from the Hivestyle store. Can't see why anyone would pay 36 bucks for a shirt or 119 for shoes.

Uwe Boll...Hitler's Favorite Director

Let me first say that I have seen only one film by director Uwe Boll, 2003's atrocity to mankind videogame movie House of the Dead. On the same scale as genocide, football and E!TV but taken to a further level of depravity, House of the Dead proved that not only could anyone with proper funding make a film, but that Hollywood also admits mind-rapists into their house parties. This movie was really bad. Taken from a Sega videogame about shooting zombies in a haunted dilapidated house, Uwe Boll used a bit of creative license to turn it into a hard-to-watch story of a college rave island under attack from an ancient zombie curse. Read any review on this film to get an idea of how poorly it was made, I cant even begin.
Uwe Boll hails to us from Wermelskirchen, Germany - a city which also brought us the electric chair and working on the weekends (sic) - and has become known to all as the only director in Hollywood that will direct any videogame to movie script put in front of him (folklore has it that when a scriptwriter visited his office with nothing but a bleeding tumor on his neck, Uwe told him that he could start shooting in 2 weeks). Already excreted into the hungry mouths of American audiences are his films House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark (supposedly his worse film yet). On the plate next are:

Far Cry (2006) (announced)
Fear Effect (2006) (announced)
Hunter: The Reckoning (2006) (announced)
Night Claws (2005) (announced)
Dungeon Siege (2006) (filming)
Bloodrayne (2005) (post-production)

I can understand studios wanting to convert videogame golden gooses into cinema shit (Resident Evil, Halo), but how many of us have even heard of half of these, much less played it enough to want it turned into a feature length film (I'm ashamed to say that I have heard of most of these, but have not played any of them...seriously). These aren't even videogames that Boll himself likes. He signs on with multiple videogame studios and commits to direct 2 or 3 films of their properties. In a hilarious interview with The Horror Channel, he says this: "FEAR EFFECT for example is interesting because I made my first deal with EIDOS (and I want HITMAN also) and EIDOS committed to spend around $10 million for FEAR EFFECT 3 (the next game)"
Deals? Commitments? This does not sound like a man who makes these movies simply out of love of videogames.
As if a man who only makes videogame properties into incoherent movies is bad enough, the best of Uwe Boll's version of Hell on Earth is yet to come. You may wonder how this man is allowed to keep making films. His films are total bombs at the box office, critically panned across the entire spectrum and have generated so much hate from fans of the original source material that one would assume Uwe Boll would have already been crucified upsidedown by a torch carrying mob of angry nerds. Look at these numbers:

House of the Dead's shooting budget was 12 million dollars. It opened Oct 10, 2003 at number 6 and dropped off the charts quickly and quietly, spending only a week in the top ten and crawling out of the toilet for a video run a mere 2 months after its' theatrical release. It made only 10 million dollars and was forgotten by all except those unfortunate enough to see it, most of whom now suffer in silence in the depths of their minds turmoil.

Alone in the Dark was shot for 30 million dollars (so many starving children) and sputtered to life on Jan 28, 2005 at number 12 (beating Finding Neverland, which had already been out for 17 weeks). Staying dead a bit longer than its' older brother, this little shitstorm hit the Blockbusters 4 months later and grossed a fantastic 5 million dollars cumulative run.

So who is paying for these suicidal endeavors? No producer wants to keep supporting a hackjob that loses more than twice the amount of money put into a film, right? Right?

Wrong buster. The producers of Boll's films actually want their little gems of films to suck. They want them to bomb so hard you would think that there actually were weapons of mass destruction. German weapons of mass destruction. Here's why. Uwe Boll's films are funded entirely by German investors. There is a little known loophole in German tax rules that allow a write off at the end of every tax season for investors of a failed movie. Uwe Boll knows this, and exploits it at every turn, cranking out to the whole world what is basically a bi-product of dirty German tax dealings. The guy even has a website luring in interested investors to assist in bringing more of his unregulated filth to movie screens everywhere. He's like a really nasty angler fish.
Uwe Boll is truly a unique character in the Hollywood spectrum of whitewashed walls and bad Dakota Fanning films. He is a man who is not afraid to follow his own vision - even if it may be just a little rushed, confusing, painful and made only for the financial benefit of a few corrupt Germans. If you haven't seen his films, but enjoy watching bad movies for a few laughs, check them out - but don't blame me if you don't laugh. His movies are beyond the level of bad usually reserved for the 3rd Ghoulies flick. He takes it to an art form with the promise to induce possible hemorrhages.

Thanks to these links on Uwe Boll and his onslaught of shitty movies for informing me of just how deep this toilet goes: